The story of You

I was still a new bride. Fresh from the isle and the reception. It was only a few weeks after my honeymoon with your father when we found out we were pregnant. I was so shocked, so scared, but so happy, because being a mother was one of my dreams. It had come true and I fell in love with you. We named you Poppy Seed right off the bat, because that was the size we found you at. (hehe a rhythm). You were so tiny, so little I could could barely feel a difference in my body, but I knew you. I knew you were there and I knew I you had so much life to give.

Then the worst days of my life came. My body in this sinful world, was failing. It was failing to hold you. Failing to be what it needed to be to bring you here into the world I knew. We raced to the doctor and for a short time, we were able to keep you little longer. God blessed us so much for the short time, because I already would talk to you and show what I could that I loved you so much. But sometimes even though it was a miracle we had you for little while longer, God knew it was time for you to go home to Him.  I still wish he had chosen a better day, but Mother's Day, May 10th of 2010, we lost you.

I never felt such heart break. I never knew how deep the pain could get until I lost you. I felt you were no longer there and I felt the life of you that I held so close was gone from me. How I screamed and how I ached. I wanted you back so badly. I love you as much as I love your sister and brother. I love you so much and my arms still ache to hold you like they had wanted to before.  But it is ok. Even for the short time you meant worlds to me and I could still remember how you felt in me. You are in a safer place now. You are happy and without pain. 

I remember the months to come, how angry and depressed I was. They said the days to come would get better, but the only got worse. I remember some days I would cry out to God and try to bargain someone to get you back. Maybe he could pull and Lazarus, but He doesn't work that way. And though I didn't see it, you became the hero for your sister to come.

In a hot July summer, I remember sitting in the shower overwhelmed with grief and anger when I finally put aside something. I grew up being told never to pray for selfish prayers. I even had one person tell me that being a mother was something God blessed, that just praying for children is selfish without having a good reason. My only reason was I wanted to hold my babies. I wanted to raise my children. Some reason that wasn't enough in there eyes. I was told that God already knew my heart, so I didn't need to tell him lengthy requests or how I felt. I was told to never blame God, because He was perfect and it was somehow my fault for bad things happening. but I broke those rules about prayer I was told do. And in that moment I cried out to God. I yelled how I felt like He took you from me too soon. I felt that He had given him the most wonderful gift of being a mother then took you away. I felt betrayed. What I needed then was His love and I needed to feel it. I needed to feel it in my heart right then, because I was struggling to love Him when I felt so broken. Then I dared to ask Him to please bring me children. I understood I could never have you have back, but I also wanted more children. I wanted to have more children and be able to hold them and watch them grow up. I wanted to have more children for no other reason then to have children. 

The following month I unknowingly became pregnant. Christ had answer my prayers. In September we found out we were pregnant again with you sister, Knellie. The following day after we found the wonderful news, my body began to fail again. And by God's grace we still had the medication that I took while pregnant with you and the wonderful doctor who to help. I never felt so doped up in my life from hormones, but it saved your sister. And though her pregnancy was not a joy ride, it was wonderful. One Mother's Day, May 8th 2011, I held sister in my arms. That day I just cried, because I still missed you so much and I was so happy to have and hold your sister. 

This year Mother's Day falls on the 10th, the day you went to be with our Lord. I still miss you and still wish if I could do all again. I would have you, Knellie and Theo, all right here. I would be chasing you with a my camera. I would trying to get you to wear shoes and not watch so much T.V. There would have been days I would want to pull my hair out and days we would spend doing nothing but sit in bed eating ice cream for breakfast because I was too lazy to shop the day before.

They would have been wonderful days. Now you get even better days ahead, and while we are down here you have never ending joy up there.

As Mother's Day comes around we will be celebrating Knellie's birthday and also remembering our short time with you. We love you our little Poppy seed. We may not see you again for now, but we will one day. You are always in my heart.

Love and Blessing

NaTacia