The Sin of Picking Up your Purse

Since my last post I feel like I can open more about my past little by little. Now to clarify, my past is not this soap opera full of drama and secrets and each turn there is new big reveal! Nothing worthy of Dateline or even much to publish a book. But enough that is effected me and how I grew up.

I grew up homeschooled. This part of my past was wonderful because it gave me opportunities that not many kids have. Because of it I am very close with my parents and siblings. However, through homeschooling my family and I were exposed to this tiny pocket of Ultra Conservative/Super Religious Christians.

I don't want to talk bad about these people. I will only share what had been to me and to those to me. This not to be a bash fest but to share what happens and the scars things and situation like these can leave.

This group was about 2 steps away from being a cult, in my own words. They were small and if didn't conform they considered you on best case "troubled Christian," but often they would say things like, "Are you truly saved?" This would be said if you did something that they did not approve of. And though they were small, they held a lot authority through out homeschool groups and local churches, which is why what they said about seemed so powerful.

Those simple words of "Are you truly saved?"  brought on sleepless nights were I begged and talked to God to save me. Was I truly saved? Was this action they deemed a "sin" was the one thing keeping me from an ever lasting relationship from Christ?

Often these "sins" were not even sins. They were often minor issues this group had that they deemed wrong in God's eyes. Things like a girl's modesty. Now modesty is important and is mentioned in the Bible, but we are extreme here. Huge debates if a girl should be allowed to wear short or not, some extreme cases, whether she should be allowed pants or not. If she wore pants, could she be trying to look like a "man" and if so that was bad, so should only be allowed to wear dresses.

Being a well endowed girl I struggled with shirts and cleavage. I don't walk around in plunging necklines, just regular modest  blouses and t-shirts. But oh I faced the looks, the shaking of the heads, and mothers who were ready to talk to mine. My crime? I stooped down to pick up my purse. The action of stooping would sometimes cause my neck line to come forward and you may have been able to catch a glimpse of cleavage. Which in turn could lead young mean astray! How could I do that!?! Well to fix my problem and all other young well endowed girls, needing to pick up purses, we were instructed to first keep our purse beside us or in our laps to avoid "stooping". If that was not possible, we were told to bend at our knees, keeping on hand over our necklines and tilt to the side an pick up our purse. This was awkward and somewhat painful, but at least we were doing the right thing. We were even doing more of the "right" thing by holding every single young girl accountable about her neckline and "stooping". And if! oh if you dare decided this "stooping" thing was ok! Well out came, "What you are doing is wrong. Are you truly saved?"

The attack at my faith. Because I dared to not properly stoop for my purse, was I truly saved? Was God really in my heart, because I was pretty much next to dirt because I had large breasts, and if I bent to pick something up, MAYBE you could have gotten a glimpse of my cleavage.

As goofy as this sounds, I did face it. My sister did. My mother did and every woman who had large breasts were pretty much drilled to make sure they never showed their breasts. Wear sweaters, higher necklines, more scarves around the neck, because your job was to make sure someone else didn't sin. And though they wouldn't never admit it, they made us feel like our large breasts were something to be ashamed of. Large breast gave a woman curves, if she was pretty and curvy she better hide that because that my might attract a guy!

And the poor breast feeding mothers! You had too hide feeding your baby because heaven forbid you break their rules of modest.

And if you dared decided different, your faith was attacked. The constant attack at your faith for other fellow believers over something so mundane as simply picking up your purse.

It wasn't until I reached college I finally started breaking free from all the silly rules. Looking back it was so funny and sad when I went to pick up my back pack off the floors at the end of class. I thought I was such a rebel picking up my back pack like every normal person, like how Jesus picked up something, how Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Ester, or anyone would have picked something up. How could

The story of You

I was still a new bride. Fresh from the isle and the reception. It was only a few weeks after my honeymoon with your father when we found out we were pregnant. I was so shocked, so scared, but so happy, because being a mother was one of my dreams. It had come true and I fell in love with you. We named you Poppy Seed right off the bat, because that was the size we found you at. (hehe a rhythm). You were so tiny, so little I could could barely feel a difference in my body, but I knew you. I knew you were there and I knew I you had so much life to give.

Then the worst days of my life came. My body in this sinful world, was failing. It was failing to hold you. Failing to be what it needed to be to bring you here into the world I knew. We raced to the doctor and for a short time, we were able to keep you little longer. God blessed us so much for the short time, because I already would talk to you and show what I could that I loved you so much. But sometimes even though it was a miracle we had you for little while longer, God knew it was time for you to go home to Him.  I still wish he had chosen a better day, but Mother's Day, May 10th of 2010, we lost you.

I never felt such heart break. I never knew how deep the pain could get until I lost you. I felt you were no longer there and I felt the life of you that I held so close was gone from me. How I screamed and how I ached. I wanted you back so badly. I love you as much as I love your sister and brother. I love you so much and my arms still ache to hold you like they had wanted to before.  But it is ok. Even for the short time you meant worlds to me and I could still remember how you felt in me. You are in a safer place now. You are happy and without pain. 

I remember the months to come, how angry and depressed I was. They said the days to come would get better, but the only got worse. I remember some days I would cry out to God and try to bargain someone to get you back. Maybe he could pull and Lazarus, but He doesn't work that way. And though I didn't see it, you became the hero for your sister to come.

In a hot July summer, I remember sitting in the shower overwhelmed with grief and anger when I finally put aside something. I grew up being told never to pray for selfish prayers. I even had one person tell me that being a mother was something God blessed, that just praying for children is selfish without having a good reason. My only reason was I wanted to hold my babies. I wanted to raise my children. Some reason that wasn't enough in there eyes. I was told that God already knew my heart, so I didn't need to tell him lengthy requests or how I felt. I was told to never blame God, because He was perfect and it was somehow my fault for bad things happening. but I broke those rules about prayer I was told do. And in that moment I cried out to God. I yelled how I felt like He took you from me too soon. I felt that He had given him the most wonderful gift of being a mother then took you away. I felt betrayed. What I needed then was His love and I needed to feel it. I needed to feel it in my heart right then, because I was struggling to love Him when I felt so broken. Then I dared to ask Him to please bring me children. I understood I could never have you have back, but I also wanted more children. I wanted to have more children and be able to hold them and watch them grow up. I wanted to have more children for no other reason then to have children. 

The following month I unknowingly became pregnant. Christ had answer my prayers. In September we found out we were pregnant again with you sister, Knellie. The following day after we found the wonderful news, my body began to fail again. And by God's grace we still had the medication that I took while pregnant with you and the wonderful doctor who to help. I never felt so doped up in my life from hormones, but it saved your sister. And though her pregnancy was not a joy ride, it was wonderful. One Mother's Day, May 8th 2011, I held sister in my arms. That day I just cried, because I still missed you so much and I was so happy to have and hold your sister. 

This year Mother's Day falls on the 10th, the day you went to be with our Lord. I still miss you and still wish if I could do all again. I would have you, Knellie and Theo, all right here. I would be chasing you with a my camera. I would trying to get you to wear shoes and not watch so much T.V. There would have been days I would want to pull my hair out and days we would spend doing nothing but sit in bed eating ice cream for breakfast because I was too lazy to shop the day before.

They would have been wonderful days. Now you get even better days ahead, and while we are down here you have never ending joy up there.

As Mother's Day comes around we will be celebrating Knellie's birthday and also remembering our short time with you. We love you our little Poppy seed. We may not see you again for now, but we will one day. You are always in my heart.

Love and Blessing

NaTacia

Moment to Exist

All too often I feel like I am losing more days than I can count. My lists keep piling up and I lose sense of the direction I am suppose to be going in. My daughter, soon to be four, is still sleeping in my bed with me. I rather get more hours of sleep then less hours of sleep battling her to stay in bed. My son is not potty trained. I forced my daughter to be potty trained, because my son was coming soon. They are not even 2 years apart. I regret forcing her, but she mastered it quickly. I don't want to force my son, but I am reaching a point I can't always stand the diapers in the trash cans. (I know, I know. I just posted how I will miss those moments changing diapers with my son. I am a mom, and I tired right. I will miss those moments. I am just tired.)

So what to do? Make more lists? Call more friends for positive reinforcement? Text my mom or advice? Already did all that and I still feel at a lost, at least today. I want to curl up in bed and Pinterest for hours.....

*returns after a few hours*

Yeah I just did that. I stopped what I was doing, put the kids in front of the TV and spent and hour staring at Pinterest under my covers. It was a moment of perfect bliss!!! I needed to catch up on just letting my body rest. I needed to let myself think and not have it have a purpose or be useful. A moment to just be nothing and let my mind wonder.

I think we all need to do that sometimes. Just take a moment or an hour or even longer to just not put a purpose to something. Just exist for a moment and breathe.


Find that moment and take a deep breath.

God bless

Impossibly Perfect.

How does the mom with the two well behaved kids in the store do it? Both her kids had shoes on and clean matching clothes. They even had socks on! SOCKS! They sat so nicely in the cart at Costco, right in front of me at the check out. And there I was.... Standing with my son having a fit about my phone dying and without his shoes in his jammies. My daughter wearing shoes, without socks and mismatched clothes. And of course she having curly hair, even though I brushed it, it was still a mess. 

So there I was wondering how does she she look amazing, in shape and dressed well, while I am in the same boat with two kids and still look I rolled out of bed and dragged my kids along with whatever they had on? How does she do it all? What is her secret formula? 

As I load my messy car with kids and groceries it still boggles my mind. Then it kinda just dawned on me. What was I holding myself to that standard again? The standard of being a well put together perfect mom with perfect kids? That kind of thinking leads to unrealistic thoughts. Its makes us as mother miserable about who we are and not thankful for the amazing women we are and how blessed we already are.

First, the point is not about the "perfect" mom we saw in the line at Costco. Its about how we look at ourselves and compare to what we "think" is the perfect mom. For all we know she was just having a really good day. Heck those could have been her niece and nephew she was watching. Who knows! I just saw a woman with kids and assumed she was a mother who knew how to do it right. I made someone up in my head and right then I decided I needed to try achieve to be that pretend person.

Why? Why do we to this to ourselves? Why to we a brief glance at someone or a situation and wish to have that? Imagine on the day we have had a good moment. Like our house was perfectly clean when company came over, or you sent your kids off to school, well fed, well dressed? Imagine is another mother caught you in those great moments and assumed you had it all! You were the "it" mom who ha the right formula to life to make it work perfectly. If they ever came up to you and asked "How do you do it?" you would smile and be proud, but inwardly know that you were just happy you having a great day. Most days your children were running around without socks with messy hair. 

Stop! Not sure how else to say, but just stop doing it. Stop holding yourself to an impossible standard and stop thinking the other mother know how to do it better. We are created differently, and made to raise our children to be unique individuals. There was never meant to be one perfect way to be a mother. I don't think there is even a right formula you could use to help stop holding these impossible standards. We just have to keep being encouraging to each other. Keeping reminding ourselves, we are not only good enough, but perfectly imperfect and just right for out children. Keep telling yourself, you don't need to be impossibly perfect.

Anyways those are my thoughts for today. 

God bless

A Letter to the Mom in Yoga Pants

Too the mom in yoga pants,

I am not here to tell you need to wear somethings else. I will not to be more modest, or too put more effort into your look or anything of the sort. I understand that time is short and budgets are tights, and by golly yoga pants are so comfortable! They look cute with boots in winter, an still cool enough in summer. Why change it? Keep rocking those yoga pants and being an awesome mom. :)

To the mom with no make-up on,

I understand those early mornings and those late nights. I know everyone says, it only takes 5 minutes for a little eye liner and mascara, but seriously, 5 minutes is all I ever had to rinse off, put on deodorant, and run a brush through my hair. Plus, God made us the way we are. We should be proud the way, we as woman look. And when we find those extra 5 minutes, then we will put on that eye liner. :) 

Too the mom with kids with no socks,

Laundry never seems to get done, and who knows where are those lost socks go. I still say that dryer lint are the cremated remains of all missing socks. It is hard enough to convince your child they need to wear than just underwear outside. So you child goes to school without socks that day, it is OK. They probably think they are really cool to do so anyways. You are did amazing just getting them wear clothes. I think this is why we love summer so much. Sandals are a savior!

Too the mom with who once again found feeding their child fast food,

I do it more than I care to admit. It happens and life goes by so fast. I had all the time in the world and endless budget, I would be growing organic food right out my back yard and the rest would come from the farmer's market. My kids would eat everything green and love to snack on celery over Skittles.  But alas, my daughter's only veggie is carrots. And those days where are basically living out of your car, you have to feed those little mouths somehow. Try to sneak some tomato or extra onions on that burger and have them pop vitamin. You do the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you. You are doing great job. :)

To all the moms I wish could address and all those in between,

Take it day by day, moment by moment. You are are holding the world for those precious little ones you have in your life. You are a mother and that pretty much makes you a super hero. Stand strong.  People will say everything and anything to make us feel like we need to be more or achieve more. But you have achieved so much already. So you skip meal, you drink Starbucks, you wear the same dingy sneaker everyday, and your go too hair do is a pony tale. You are do wonders everyday. 

God bless